Last Friday, I watched the film The Odd Life of Timothy Green on HBO. Most of you probably saw it months ago, but
try to remember with me. A married
couple discovers that they will not be able to have children. In the process of letting go of this dream
they make note cards of all their hopes and dreams for their child, place them
in a pine box, and bury it in their backyard.
Surprisingly, a child springs up from the ground and comes into their
lives for a season. Right away they
realize that Timothy is the answer to their prayers. He fulfills everything item on their wish
list one at a time. So when it comes to
the last soccer game of the season, the just KNOW that Timothy will score the
winning goal because this is what they requested: “Just once, our child will score
the winning goal”. If you remember the
beginning of the film, they even practice how they will react with cheers and
high-fives.
On the day of the big game, Timothy is on the bench serving
water as usual. But his Dad is saying “this
is it! Just wait” and won’t let anyone leave the game. Before the last play, a teammate is injured
and the coach has no choice, he has to put Timothy in. The excitement builds as Timothy gets the
ball. HE dribbles, he runs, he passes to
a teammate, he shoots he scores. For one
second, his parents are going crazy until they realize he scored on his own
goalie and won the game for the other team.
His parents are crushed. They are
embarrassed. They turn on each other and
start arguing about whose fault this is.
Timothy’s teammates mock and shun him.
I personally could not stop crying, but not for the reason you think.
I have worked with literally thousands of parents in my
career and I have seen this type of thing many times. Parents who put all their hopes and dreams on
their kids. Parents with high
expectations. Parents who measure
success by outcomes and not progress. What made me so sad about Timothy Green
is that he DID score the winning goal.
He dribbled and passed the ball for the first time in his life, He scored
the only goal he would ever score in his short time on earth and yet no one;
not even his parents, celebrated his personal victory. No one seemed to notice or care how greatly
his soccer skills had improved. No one noticed
the increase in coordination and confidence that it took to score that
goal. All of Timothy’s personal
achievements were lost because he ran in the wrong direction. To me, this is heartbreaking. If I were
Timothy, I would surely never play soccer again.
As parents, it is only natural to expect our kids to do their
best. It is essential to hold them to a
high standard and to believe that they can do anything the set their minds
to. This is the basis of
self-esteem. However, I think we often
lose sight of those small everyday victories when we are too focused on
outcomes. We have to learn to celebrate
EVERY success. If your child grew and
matured over the last school year, you have to call it a successful year. If he earned honor roll marks all year long
and bombed a couple of final exams, you still have to call it a successful
year. We have
to develop a definition of success that measures growth and progress regardless
of external results. We have to develop
an “odd” definition of success that is unique to each child and allows for the
occasional mistake. We have to value the
process over progress toward stated goals.
Our kids are after all, “wonderful becoming”.
