Begging for Treats

June 29, 2014

This winter, my husband, Dave, started to bring treats in his pocket whenever he walked our dog Nellie.  I did not become aware of this practice until February when he was ill and I took over the dog-walking for several weeks.   In preparing me to take over this duty, Dave shared with me that Nellie gets nine treats on each walk around the block.  He told me that she’d know when she was supposed to get them and would let me know.

So, the first day I walked her, I put the treats my husband had prepared in my pocket.  Sure enough as soon as we got outside, Nellie stops walking and turns to me looking for her treat.  The rest of the walk she kept looking back at me and bumping my pocket for another treat every few yards.  She would not go forward!  She was not looking around or sniffing.  A squirrel ran right in front of us and she didn’t even see it as she was looking at me for a treat.  I was so frustrated because I used love walking my dog when I was single.  In the past she had taught me so much about being present to the moment and experiencing the joy of simply being alive.  The expectation of a treat had literally stolen the joy of the walk; not just from me, but from Nellie as well.  So the next time I took Nellie out, I left the treats at home.  For about three days she continued to look back at me at certain milestones to see if I had a treat for her.  I did not. 

For the next 72 hours, Nellie’s treat-seeking behavior increased.  She started to spontaneously do every trick she had ever learned in order to earn a treat.  She barked, she bumped my pocket, she gave me her cutest smile; in fact, when she was about 6 months old, she had developed a routine where she sat, gave her paw, and laid down immediately upon seeing a treat without being asked.  She even reverted behavior to this before she understood that I simply did not have any treats in my pocket for her. No matter what she did, she would not be getting a treat until we got home.  Finally, she was able to forget all about the treats and refocus on just enjoying her walk.

So, my husband had major surgery at the beginning of June.  He is not allowed to walk our 121 pound dog for the next six weeks.  By this time Nellie has been trained that Daddy carries treats on the walk and Mommy does not.  But, this morning as soon as we stepped outside, Nellie stopped walking and looked back at me to see if I had any treats.  I said “No, baby, I didn’t bring any treats for you, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you.”  She seemed okay with that and turned her energy and attention to just walking and being.  I was thinking that it is precisely because I DO love Nellie that I do not bring treats on our walks.

This morning God spoke to me as I was mediating on the nature of my love for my dog.  He showed me that His love for us is much the same.  Very often when we walk with the Lord, we see him as a Cosmic giver of treats.  We keep our eyes on His hands and our energy and attention focused on His blessings.  We pull out every trick in the book to show God how good we are, how cute we are and how much we deserve a treat.  In fact, there are many who leave their houses every morning expecting some specific treat and absolutely assured that if they will just hold the treat in their consciousness, it will appear.  They will attract it to themselves.  I myself practiced this technique for a couple of years and wound up feeling frustrated, angry and even turned self-destructive when my day did not unfold as I had planned and according to MY will.

This morning I understood for the first time that when we begin our day seeking and expecting a blessing, we miss the simple joy of walking with the Lord.  We miss the blessing of His presence and the beauty of His creation.  Often we end up disappointed and frequently we think we did something wrong because God did not give us our treat.

Is it possible that God in His goodness intentionally withholds these small blessings in order to encourage us to refocus ourselves on the beauty of life’s journey?  We are all walking with the Lord as He lives and moves and grounds the being of every single human being.  If you doubt this search your own heart; you will find Him there. 

Remember the widely-circulated Footprints poem?  It used footprints in the sand as a metaphor for walking with the Lord.  Basically it says that most of the time there are two sets of footprints, one ours and one God’s.  At times of extreme stress and trouble only one set of footprints can be seen as God picks us up and carried us through trials.  It is a beautiful thought.  There is only one thing more beautiful; the Truth. 

In reality, there is only ever one set of footprints, because God never walks beside us.  He lives and moves and has His being within us.  Wherever we walk, God walks too.  Whatever we do God does too.  Whatever we see God sees too.  Whatever we love God loves too.  For some this is a terrifying thought.  Recognizing and acknowledging God’s presence in our hearts changes us like nothing else.  Suddenly we find it impossible to be unkind, judgmental, greedy, or violent.  Suddenly we realize that we do not have to DO or HAVE anything.  Everything we need to live a life of contentment is within us, if we will but BE aware of God’s presence within us.  His grace is truly sufficient for all our needs. 

Everything we need to live a life of love and kindness is ours as well, if we will but realize God’s presence in everyone and everything we encounter each day.  All the wisdom we need is ours if we will be realize that we see with God’s eyes and love with God’s own heart.  It is God that looks out from within us at all that He has created and He always knows the very best way to respond.  Try living in this Truth for one hour.  Try to focus your energy and attention on the God in you before you leave the house each morning.  My experience with this is that I when I live from this place, I seek nothing for myself.  I stop begging for and expecting treats and instead when I encounter creation, I search my pockets to see if God has given me anything to share with others.  Amazingly, my own pockets are always full with love and grace and mercy and kindness.  I can give out these treats all day long to everyone I meet and when I come home at night, my pockets are still fully stocked for my family.  This is abundance.  This is life. This is God!         

The IDEAL College Applicant

What is the IDEAL APPLICANT?  What are colleges looking for?  Who is getting in to the top colleges?  Interestingly enough, most parents that I meet already know the answer to this question; PASSION!  But, they say it in a tone of voice usually reserved for “HOMEWORK!”  I can literally hear and feel their frustration.  Often parents will add “whatever that means”.  Some good humored parents will even laugh.  In short, the prevailing attitude is that it is nearly impossible for students to find and discover their passion in middle and high school.  Parents and students seem to feel that this is an unrealistic and unfair expectation on the part of colleges. 

True, that college used to be the place where you would go to “find yourself”.  But with college costs rising nearly 500% in the last decade, we need to change our attitude about the role of the undergraduate degree in student development.  The bachelor’s degree is the single biggest investment parents will make in their child’s education, but lately it has become a capital outlay with no significant return as nearly 50% of new college graduates earn a degree that is virtually worthless in today’s job marketplace.  And still our emphasis is on getting in rather than what our kids will get out of a college degree!  

I actually think that the current emphasis on passion in the college admissions process is good news for college-bound kids and their parents.  What colleges mean by “passion” is that they are looking for students who know who they are, know what they want and know exactly how hard they are willing to work to get it.  In my mind the college admission process is a wonderful journey of self-discovery and personal development.  It requires kids to search their hearts and develop an inner life of reflection, contemplation and mediation. It invites kids to examine their beliefs about themselves, their identity, their purpose, their intrinsic value and uniqueness. The reason why parents and students feel pressured by this expectation is that they take the wrong approach. 

Colleges are not looking for kids who are driven from without, but for those who are drawn from within.  More often than not in our culture our kids are so busy doing that they never learn how to just be, just breathe, just think… We have some vague and misguided notion that colleges still want “well-rounded” students.  So teens run around doing music, art, sports, dance, community service, etc. with no clear goal or direction other than making sure they have SOMETHING to put on a resume. 

The college admissions process has changed radically in the past 25 years.  Colleges are now looking for passionate individuals to comprise a well-rounded student body.  Colleges themselves have learned that students who begin a degree without a meaningful purpose are more likely to end up in the 41% of students who do not graduate within 6 years.  This make them look bad.  College admissions reps are looking for three things when assessing applicants; a demonstrated ability to handle college level work, an indication that the student will attend iff accepted, and some assurance that the student will eventually graduate.  Sure prestigious colleges are also looking for potentially prestigious alumni, but it is the discipline, focus and yes, passion developed in middle and high school that gives them a glimpse of a student’s potential for greatness.  No one person can be the best at everything, but anyone can become the best at something if they will direct their energy and attention toward a singular outcome.  So, here is the acronym for those of you who have come to expect them from me:  The IDEAL candidate to any college or program is:            

Internally-motivated

Determined

Enthusiastic

Aspiring

Leader

The Case for Early College Planning

I had a disappointing school visit today for a sophomore whom I began counseling in April.  He is interested in careers in Engineering, but is not on the advanced track in math or science.  We went in to see what our options were to remediate credit over the summer and get him advanced in the fall.  The school district offers NO alternative for acceleration at this late date.  He will be greatly disadvantaged in the college admissions process because of this perceived gap in his academic record.  No matter how well he scores in his math and science courses, he will be applying to engineering programs alongside thousands of students who will be considered more qualified just because they completed a more rigorous course of study.

A few weeks ago, I met with the guidance counselor at another school on behalf of a freshman student who needed to accelerate in science.  We were able to sign him up for a summer course and he will begin the advanced track in the fall.

In October, I began working with a 7th grade student who was not in advanced STEM classes.  We were able to move him up at the end of the first quarter.  He will now be free to spend his summer volunteering at the zoo as he is interested in zoology or marine biology careers.

You tell me...which student is experiencing the least amount of stress?  The sophomore? The freshman? Or the 7th grader?

I meet parents all the time who tell me that their children are still in middle school so it is too soon to think about college acceptance.  They usually end the conversation by walking away saying they will call me in a few years. 

So this is how the rest of the conversation goes in my head:

Parent: "My daughter is only in 7th grade.  It's too much pressure to talk with her about college now.  But, I'll definitely need your services in a few years".

Me: "Let me ask you something...does your daughter KNOW that she is going to college?"

Parent: "Of course, we've been talking about it and saving since she was born".

Me: "Does she know you expect her to do well in middle school?"

Parent:  "Of course, she gets grounded if she doesn't make honor roll".

Me: "Does she understand the relationship between how she does in middle school and her future college opportunities?"

Parent: "Uhhhhh..."

Me: "Wouldn't she be more internally motivated to do well in school now if she understood that she was building up a bank account for herself that she can use when applying to college?" (This is what we call college CAPITAL)

Parent: Stunned silence

Me:  “Providing the reason for your high expectations will do more to motivate her than taking away privileges.  You are already putting a certain amount of pressure on her to do well, but she doesn't know why.  Understanding the relationship between middle school and college only increases the relevance of current classes that might seem pointless.  Providing direction and support in the middle grades actually reduces the stress of college admissions because you are making sure that she will never have to back-track to make up necessary courses once she decides on a career pathway!"

Anyway, that’s how it goes in my head. 

I’m not sure why I have such a hard time engaging the community in a discussion about early college planning.  I have offered free parent presentations at one library, which 2-3 parents attended.  I have offered the workshops to every library, middle school and elementary school on the east side, but they are not interested in hosting an event. 

And every summer and fall parents call me to help their seniors with college applications.  I am happy to help and we do get amazing results, but at that point I cannot add anything to the student’s resume or academic record.  It breaks my heart to meet a student at this point who dreams of being a doctor only to look at his transcript and discover that highly-selective pre-med programs are not a real option for him.  This doesn’t mean that he can’t do well enough in college to apply later, but it does mean that we have to limit our target colleges to those that consider students like him.  I much prefer to begin earlier and help kids make themselves into the kind of students colleges will vie for.