An Odd Definition of Success

Last Friday, I watched the film The Odd Life of Timothy Green on HBO.  Most of you probably saw it months ago, but try to remember with me.  A married couple discovers that they will not be able to have children.  In the process of letting go of this dream they make note cards of all their hopes and dreams for their child, place them in a pine box, and bury it in their backyard.  Surprisingly, a child springs up from the ground and comes into their lives for a season.  Right away they realize that Timothy is the answer to their prayers.  He fulfills everything item on their wish list one at a time.  So when it comes to the last soccer game of the season, the just KNOW that Timothy will score the winning goal because this is what they requested: “Just once, our child will score the winning goal”.  If you remember the beginning of the film, they even practice how they will react with cheers and high-fives.

On the day of the big game, Timothy is on the bench serving water as usual.  But his Dad is saying “this is it! Just wait” and won’t let anyone leave the game.  Before the last play, a teammate is injured and the coach has no choice, he has to put Timothy in.  The excitement builds as Timothy gets the ball.  HE dribbles, he runs, he passes to a teammate, he shoots he scores.  For one second, his parents are going crazy until they realize he scored on his own goalie and won the game for the other team.  His parents are crushed.  They are embarrassed.  They turn on each other and start arguing about whose fault this is.  Timothy’s teammates mock and shun him.  I personally could not stop crying, but not for the reason you think.

I have worked with literally thousands of parents in my career and I have seen this type of thing many times.  Parents who put all their hopes and dreams on their kids.  Parents with high expectations.  Parents who measure success by outcomes and not progress. What made me so sad about Timothy Green is that he DID score the winning goal.  He dribbled and passed the ball for the first time in his life, He scored the only goal he would ever score in his short time on earth and yet no one; not even his parents, celebrated his personal victory.  No one seemed to notice or care how greatly his soccer skills had improved.  No one noticed the increase in coordination and confidence that it took to score that goal.  All of Timothy’s personal achievements were lost because he ran in the wrong direction.  To me, this is heartbreaking. If I were Timothy, I would surely never play soccer again.

As parents, it is only natural to expect our kids to do their best.  It is essential to hold them to a high standard and to believe that they can do anything the set their minds to.  This is the basis of self-esteem.  However, I think we often lose sight of those small everyday victories when we are too focused on outcomes.  We have to learn to celebrate EVERY success.  If your child grew and matured over the last school year, you have to call it a successful year.  If he earned honor roll marks all year long and bombed a couple of final exams, you still have to call it a successful year.    We have to develop a definition of success that measures growth and progress regardless of external results.  We have to develop an “odd” definition of success that is unique to each child and allows for the occasional mistake.  We have to value the process over progress toward stated goals.  Our kids are after all, “wonderful becoming”.   

When is the right time to start planning for college?

So, when is the right time to start planning for college? 

Did you think junior year or even senior year?

I bet some ambitious parents even thought sophomore year or first year.

Did anyone think middle school?

Well, if your child has Ivy League or Top 40 college aspirations, middle school is the time when planning should begin.

In order to be on an advanced math track for example, your son or daughter MUST take Algebra in the 8th grade.  That means he or she must take Pre-algebra in 7th grade and score well enough to be recommended for Algebra.  This means that if your child is struggling with math in 5th or 6th grade, you must intervene immediately. 

Three main factors influence admissions to highly selective colleges: academic record (or GPA), rigor of secondary school curriculum and standardized test scores (SAT/ACT).  I served as the director of a learning center for several years and I cannot tell you how many parents brought their children in for remedial skill work in the 10th grade. By that point, half of your child’s academic record has already been recorded and cannot be changed.  It may be too late!

Parents need to ensure that students have a solid academic foundation in middle school and the study skills to earn high grades.  Middle school sets the stage for an accelerated course of study in core subjects, as well as access to Honors, Advanced Placement (AP) and International Baccalaureate (IB) coursework in high school.  However, many Middle schools throughout the country do not have Guidance Counselors; even fewer have College Counselors.  Often students are “tracked” into regular or advanced courses of study based on teacher recommendations/observation alone.  Parents are not asked (or even told) which course of study their child will pursue.

Do yourself (and your child) a favor; talk to a college counselor as early as possible if your goal is to help your child gain acceptance to a top-notch college.  I suggest having your first college-planning meeting the summer before 6th grade.  A college counselor will work with your child to begin to assess strengths and weaknesses, recommend any needed remedial skill work, and complete interest and personality inventories to identify possible career pathways   

Remember, top colleges are looking for top students.  Give your child the opportunity to start high school with the skills and motivation to perform his or her best from day one.

Holly M. Asposto, Ed. M is an Independent College Counselor with Selective College Acceptance Counseling.  She has successfully guided hundreds of students through the college application process over the past 15 years.  Students who have worked with Holly are now attending Cornell, University of Southern California, University of Rochester, Rochester Institute of Technology, Notre Dame, University of California at Berkeley, Boston University, and the United States Military Academy at West Point. Call or email today for a FREE College Readiness Evaluation.  585-233-9502 or holly@getaccepted.org.